14th..

I love you and I know that you love me back. But our “love” just doesn’t stoop up to the level like how I want it to stoop up. I imagine so many things doing with you. When I doze off, or just close my eyes and think about us. I can’t control what my heart and mind wants. It wants you and it keeps showing me what could happen. I want to be with you so bad. I want us to ride in your car, hold hands, but it’ll probably hard because you drive a stick shift. I want to kiss you a lot, even more than kissing you on the cheeks. I love holding you when you want to feel babied by me. And I love it when you hold me, and sometimes you breathe down my neck, it feels wonderful. What I love the most is when you kiss my neck when you’re hugging me. It feels amazing. You basically send me through a euphoric express. I love you, and I dream of marrying you. I dream of marrying you in front of Sleeping Beauty’s castle in Disneyland and have fireworks when we both say I do and we kiss each other to show the end of a new beginning, and the start of something forever.

The sad part is, we stopped, we stopped being together, for how many months? Valentine’s day would have been our what, 11 months? Gah, that would of felt amazing when you showed up by my house with a dozen roses. But that can’t be. I seriously though about making love with you a lot.. Not sex, making love. There is difference between the two. Well, I wanna end this, because well, I don’t know why. It already ended, might as well just end this blog now..

“Mahatma Gandhi on Homosexuality”

Two gay Englishmen came to Gandhi in the 1930s and asked him what he thought of their relationship.

The Mahatma asked some questions and for a short time fell silent.

Then he said, “The greatest gift God gives us is another person to love.”

Placing the hands of each man in the other’s, he quietly and with a smile asked, “Who are we to question God’s choice?”

Untitled; I guess I can name it, 'wanted kiss.'

I have this weird feeling in my heart. When I saw two guys kiss, it made me smile. I wasn't looking for that long, but when you saw them kiss, you can tell that they loved and they are happy together. That was so nice and warm to see. I love seeing functional couples. I don't know much, but I can tell that they have probably went through a lot, or maybe even barely. It just made me feel very warm inside, right now, even my hurt is jumping of joy just by thinking about it.



It made me wonder how longing I've been wanting a relationship like that. It would be nice to know how it feels to be truly loved. I can't help it but think, read, and even sometimes draw about it. Agh, I am getting all these unwated feelings inside of me. It's doing nothing but only making me want to love someone. I've set my feelings aside because it just is not the way to go. But right now, it seems so perfect. I wanna kiss him and then smile, and then kiss him again. And then lay down on his lap or vice versa. It'll just make me rup on his hair more, and maybe play with his ears. AGH! I need to stop thinking about all these things. Alrighty, I am going to go back watch Wizards with my girls.. :P.

Reading.

Sometimes, when I read romance or erotica books, I sometimes imagine myself as the girl and the guy as my “dream” guy. I don’t know why, it helps me connect and understand with the book better. When I read, the words turn into images that turns into movies. It’s like when I read, the movie is playing in my head. I like it, I like how I have developed this skill and a high level of usage of my imagination. Sometimes I catch myself reading but I only see the pictures that are going through my head. It’s weird, I don’t realize I read the words I just watch my own personal movie. Ever since I have started becoming a book worm and all I want to do is read, I get crazy. I can literally kill one book in one day if I wanted too. Reading is spectacularly fun, I find it amazing. I don’t understand how people can hate it. Not does it only benefit your wants, it makes you more intelligent, it expands your vocabulary, and also, it’s amazing to travel to places right within your own hands. I love reading and I am not afraid to admit that. Books are just something so magical because they construct the best fictional characters. And with the author’s diction, I find myself stunned on how I can feel, see, taste, and smell what is going on. The magic of reading is real. It would be nice if people appreciated books more often. I like to pleasurably read a lot :).

Cheerleading hurts.

What bothers me the most is people who judge me because of the cheer uniform I wear. What I do not appreciate is when people judge me because I am gay and I freely express myself. I am so disappointed in all the people out there seeing something out of the ordinary and they don’t accept it. I hate it when they stare down, or start whispering when I walk pass by strangers who do not know me because of my uniform. I really do not like it. I hate it, literally makes me not want to cheer anymore because I get afraid of getting called by a derogatory name. I know what to do, I know to not pay attention, keep my head up, but it still hurts a little ya know? They act like they’ve never seen a guy cheerleader before. I just wish people were just open minded. The only way I change their mind is dancing. When I perform, I perform my blood and guts out there. And when I finish performing, I feel good, because I knew that they were paying attention to the team and we all shined and they have a new perspective of me. But I just really would like to feel safe in other schools when I cheer. I want to be able to feel like I am not getting judged. But that cannot happen because that is not how the way the world works.

Why?! WHY OH WHY?!

I have one problem, and that problem is one of my close friends who’s in college is just by passing every guy she meets. What I do not understand it why can you not just be content with one?! HOLY SHIT! I would love to have guys like the guys that you’ve had. My close friend has dated every single ideal guys that I have ever thought about. This person has had a cute, chubby, tall, vietnamese guy. She’s had the Filipino type who wears hats backwards, tatted sleeves, and wears V-Necks and Levis. This person stopped being with him because he wanted to hang out a lot. My gosh! This person doesn’t understand what is good for her and what’s right in front of her eyes! I would love for a guy to be able to come by my house and take me out when both of us wants too. I want to a guy to be able to kiss and smile right after. I want to have a guy that I can hug, love on, and just talk about everything. I just do not like how this person takes advantages of these guys.

Another thing that I have a problem is that why do people have better luck at guys finding them when I am sitting here on my ass, busting my ass out for school and my education, cheering my loudest at practice, dancing my ass off at performances, I go over and beyond, but yet, not one guy has showed up in front of me.. Not one..

I’m used to pushing things on the side, but this, I just had to spit out. I can’t handle it when people have become so blind of what is great and what is better RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM! I feel bad for those heart broken boys that this person has left. Because for I fact, if I had a chance to be with everyone of them, I would treat you with the greatest respect, honesty, and love. I know that I’ll be a great lover for you because I will not treat you the way that this person has treated you boys.

I, is jealous of cute teenage gay couples.

Lesbian or Gay I don't care, they have something I am unable to have. But I admire you guys, especially the ones that go public. I just hope and pray that you guys don't fall into a relationship where you consistently have sexy, suck dicks, eat vaginas, or juts do a lot of nasty stuff.

You see, if I was in a relationship, I am the type of person that actually wants to get to know them. I don't like the whole "So tell me about your self." Getting to know each other should be natural, like you guys should do things together first, go on dates, have fun, especially if you two go to the same school, have cute lunch dates, go to the library and study together. Don't be the ones the go in the back of the school and make the fuck out, suck dicks, and give each other hickies. Yeah, our school has those kinds of couples. Just give simple kisses, not tongue actions. But since we're all teenagers, this must be through hormones or lust. If that's the answer, that is unacceptable.

Don't "love" so fast, alrighty kiddos? I learned my lesson when I turned 15. But have fun and be serious with a relationship. Don't be little dumb fucks and bitch fucks :)

Woah, I hella fuckin' miss you..

I remember the time we used to talk. And it was pretty silly, we talked about math, school life, and each other's past life. You enticed the whole thing witch I enjoyed :). I like how I grew interest in you from the beginning. I remember the things we did and the things we said to each other. Especially our good morning, good night, and sex talks :). I might have to say those were pretty enjoyable, it would be nice if I got it back, but then again, I wouldn't want it..

So yeah, we both left each other, we both drifted, but out of no where a spark started out of no where.. It's been almost a year later and we started having our friendly conversations again, we haven't seen each other for over a year.. Next thing you know I came to your college to visit you up in UCB. And when I walked out of the auditorium, you called me, and when i walked outside, I saw you and your gorgeous face sitting down on the bence with your UCB jacket, black basketball shorts, and your Nike grey and blue blazers. You are so cute. I love the smile you had when you saw me, I love the hug you gave me, I love the fact that we were standing in the middle having everyone starting at us as we converse and catch up. Everything felt perfect, I just wish we had time to sit down.. You showed me your ID card for College, you were so cute :). I hugged you one last time not knowing it must be the last time.. You and I could of been perfect, but were just in a fairytale story now :). I enjoyed it, I promise I did.. Right "babe?" :).

I have one more thing to say I think..

HIM. Him who I cannot speak of anymore. But he's left me a lot. This is a different guy. The only guy I've had the most feelings for, the most kisses from, and the most hug from. He made me feel safe in so many ways, just the way he kissed my forhead showed me he cares, when he would hug me and tap my lower back because he likes the play beats in anything. The way he looked at me, the way he called me babe, I was even surprise he was even gay. He couldn't tell from first glance, even the way he talked, he sounded real straight. I was a lucky fisherman that day when I met him :). He hasn't done anything but made me smile, made me feel comfortable, and he made me feel loved. Even though he left me in the end we still had a friendship going, but typical me, I promised myself I wouldn't fall for him again, and or try not to comeback because I didn't wanna be an idiot who was blinded by love. Even though we barely talk anymore, I still think about him, each day, almost everyday. I think about that :What if?" situation, or "what if this happened?" I still think about what I have could of done, what I can't do, what I should of done, and what I could of prevented. I was a foolish person.

I still find myself putting him in these fictional books I read. Especially in my books that I read. Like for "Dear John," I sometimes catch myself imagining him as John Tyree and me as Savannah, hella homo right? Actually, no, that's just the person I am. Yeah, of course I miss and love him, if our paths cross again, I don't know what I would do, bust out crying because he literally is only the guy I have ever cried for, just ask @CassieSenorin I was hysterical when I called her while I was ballin' tears months after out thing has ended.

I find myself unable to get over him, but what I don't want to happen is that I've actually found someone that makes me really happy and I know for sure that he loves me, I just don't want to see him out of no where and all the feelings I've had for "him" comes rushing back in causing me to leave the one I've loved for him.

My life is complicated, I am complicated, that I know for sure. Because I am the only one who can truly experience what I have been through. Thanks again for reading, I love you guys <3.

The hard part about liking a boy. Posted Saturday, January 16th, 2010 at 11:58PM.

The hard part about it is that you don’t know if you feel the same way. It’s weird, I count on fictional books and fantasies to make me feel like there is hope out there. But I wanna describe what I have been going through, looking back 2009 was sad Francis, but 2010, I felt so brand new, so great, so happy, so wonderful. I never have a stable love life, well actually, I do not have a love life. I find it amazing that I’ve been standing on my own two feet to what I have been though.

Although, let’s get back into subject. Wow, I’ve liked this guy quite sometime now, but I know there is nothing for us in the future, it’s because 1)his age, 2)he’s busy, 3)He hasn’t gotten over his boyfriend. Even though I’ve liked this guy, I’ve pushed him aside, I gotta keep looking forward, but the true fact is that he makes me smile, I love the way he talks to me, I love how he is so easy to talk to, I love how I can just be able to reach out to him. It doesn’t hurt anymore that I can’t be with him, but what I love the most is that he;s kept me around also. When he calls me, I always have a smile on my face because he completes the whole sometimes, I admire for what he can do to me. We’ve both taught about getting married, I told him buy me a Disney Diamond ring, they’re only $30 dollars in DisneyCalifornia, and then propose to me in front of the castle in Disneyland, I have that conversation saved, and I would truly say I will always keep it. My e-mail on my phone is load with conversations with boys and a few ladies that I’ve had great conversations I would want to save.

What I like about this guys is his vietnamese, and for people who know I have a things for Asians, and for people who really know me it’s always been Vietnamese guys over Filipinos. I love that :). But I really liked him because it’s him, it’s him that I want, he’s irresistible, wonderful, and an amazing guy.

I am going to end this now, I don’t even know if people would read this but hey, it would be nice if you guys even did :).

I think it's time I need to let my emotions out.

This past week as a tough week to overcome, overloaded with projects, assignments, homeworks, and on top of that there is Cheerleading, tests, and have the grades get up high and above. I really hate the period schedule, I just wish we move back to Blocks schedule for the better. But like my teacher said, it’s life. I wished my teachers went easy on us, especially with FINALS coming, oh my gosh! I hope and pray that I do not fail my finals and actually pass with a B or higher, I am really trying to pass these classes for the college I wanna go to. Especially UCI and SJSU, I have no idea why, but my heart wants to set out for those two school. But my mind keeps changing, it’s either I want to become a Lawyer, a Dancer, an Artist, a Designer, a Chef, or an Imagineer. I need to make this decision fast because next thing I know I am going to be a Senior. I kind of don’t want to be in the Bay for College, but who knows. I wish Disney had a college, not a college program, an actual school. That would be amazing <3. But since finals is almost here, I pray to Lord Jesus Christ and God Almighty to help me succeed in finals and get me really great grades. Wish me luck guys <3.

P.S. I had a dream about him this morning.

It made me miss him even more, when I realized I had the dream, I went straight through my heart and I can't believe that I had dreamed about it. All I remember was we were in one of those couches that dip in, we were both laying down, but he's back was faced towards me, he was supposedly "mad." I hugged him from the back, but he didn't budge, I slipped my hand in his shirt, he made a fuss, but then the baby he his, he fell asleep, and I remember I kissed his forehead for goodnight, next thing I know, were walking together inside some subway train tracks like in that one commercial where they had a party in a big tunne; down stairs. And we held hands, he held me up while I was trying to balance on side of the track. And then he made me go down and he was now on the tracks, he hugged me, and I looked into his eyes and he kissed me. That is all I can remember, I don't know why he was wearing a grey sweater.All I know is that I had a wonderful dream <3. mce_bogus="1">

I've missed you.

I am inspired to type right about now. I was Cheerleading today at my school against Mt.Eden, from the corner of my eye I saw a cute guy walk in and I couldn't tell, he was wearing a grey beanie. Next thing you know, I find out it's @WthTONY! I was so happy that he was there. I've missed him so much. He's such an amazing guy and an amazing friend. He deserves a real good SOLID girlfriend :). That's what we've been trying to do since my Freshmen and his Senior Year.



But it was also seeing Arroyo Alumini's in the game I was cheering at. But anyways, my day was great, breakfast was great, school was awesome, I actually get Chemistry now, and everything was awesome! :).


But back to my point, I've really been missing people in and out of my life. Like for example, Jason Dahilig, I haven't seen that boy since Summer, and I only saw him twice! Once for a quick second, and the next when he came over at like something clock in the AM! Another would probably be Cynthia, the girl who never wears pants, I miss her and her perkiness, I miss seeing her next to my locker, but I know she's probably having a better time at Mt.Eden <3.>.< Oh gulay, I miss him so much, he;s an amazing loving, and also caring guy. Well you get my point.


What I am trying to get across is that spend time with your love ones, spend time, and never waste it. It's the only thing that's priceless, yet it's for free. The unfortunate part is you cannot take it back. So love to love, live to the mega fullest, and laugh like there's no end to it. Always make your self smile and make others smile. You'll feel good on the inside. I just hope people realize that if you do miss someone, do something about it. Kay? Be wise and great with what's in front of you. But in a minute, it can disappear. <3.

Don't get me wrong.

2008-2009 was some of my best years. Oh man, I wanna tell you guys my love story, well actually my story of guys, boys, or whatever you call it.


All I have to say is that it all started on a website called Downelink. L O L! I guess everyone became my friend because the fact that I was a young little boy in the world that I did not know exist. I was amazed at the fact that people were gay, people had boyfriends and boyfriend, and girls had girlfriend and girlfriends. Downelink really did make me grow up because of the things that I saw, I learned, and what people have had said and taught me. All the guys I meant were so loving and so amazingly nice. If it wasn't for the people of Downelink, I would of probably been raped a couple of times, been broken hearted billions of times instead of millions of times. I met great guy there. Guys who I would thought would actually be my boyfriend. But I didn't really talk, talk too guys, but I gotta admit I did have some major crushes. I'll tell you one. The "one" basicially.


The #1 was Ranier Vince Castillo, A.K.A as Ranye. This guy was so patient, and loving. In the short amount of time we were talking, I found it pretty amazing that he was the only one that left the biggest impact on me. I remember our 1st date, it was in South San Francisco at Tanofran movie theater. His brother worked there, so we got in for free. I remember our movie, it was "Wall-E." He's never seen it and of course he's been wanting to watch it, and that was like the millionth time I have watched it in Theaters, I made over 20 people go with me on the 1st day that movie came. EARLY MORNING ALSO! (That is why I love having great and wodnerful, and also loads of friends). Back to my story, it was cute, it was one of those typical movie dates, lay on his shoulder, he put his arm around me, and also he held my hands. And I have to say his hands were so big and so well damn smooth. Ahhhhh, I loved holding them, it felt amazing just being with him. After the movies we went for Ice cream, I fed him, he fed me also. Then he asked, "Choose a letter, P or V." I know it sounds wrong, but I chose "V." And after I said it, he took me to the top of the hills right by where he had lived and he showed me the view of the city. And even in daylight, it meant a lot to me because it was not only beautiful, he took me to his place. It made me happy, he held me as we were watching the whole world pass by us, quiet, so still, but yet so perfect. The wind was perfect, the Sun was perfect, everything felt perfect. I kissed him on the cheek, he kissed me on my forehead. I felt safe, i felt wanted, I felt like the whole world was perfect. :).

A few more weeks later, things weren't so perfect. He let go of me.. I really didn't understand why.. but he did.. He was my Superman, he was my "Babe." He told me about what he wanted, I fell asleep with him, talking every night for countless hours. Listening to him snore, listening to him just talk was wonderful. But then everything was just like that. I think he left the biggest meaning in my so called love life because he was the only one that sticked through everything. And that made me happy.


No I hope 2010 will bring me the same guy, or maybe even a better guy. I really do hope, I have the highest hopes for it. 2009 disappointed me, but I know 2010 won't. I really hope.


The best part is I'VE NEVER EVER HAVE EVER HAVE HAD A BOYFRIEND. Real talk, I've never had a boyfriend, a real boyfriend, things only got pass the "Talking stage." And then never grew from that point on. Can you believe it?I didn't think so :).

Let's spill some words eh? :).

2010 came in, and I am glad that I am content. Well actually more than that. I actually feel happy about my life now. I used to mope and be depressed, think of things that would hurt myself and my heart. But I really don't wanna go down that path anymore. 2009 for me consisted of somewhat fake smiles, making people happy and making sure that no one see I was really hurt, and I was really struggling to avoid "Love." I was glad only one person saw what was really happening, I did not want anyone to worry about me. I gotta say I did crave attention for people because it made me feel good, but sometimes, it was really unnecessary. I made those Numbered boyfriends because they had an asset to them that I would want in my real boyfriend. And everyone who knew me knew who were my Boyfriends #1-9 did. All of the were straight, except for #9, he was an exception. But I broke up with all of them one day because I felt like I was constricting myself from the other people who had an eye on me.


Ever since then I've been growing. 2009 was all emotional and happy Francis. But towards the end of the year, I was actually doing great :). All of 2009 I was supported with friends and good times. And school! That is what mostly took my attention away from all the boys because I would put school and friends first. This blogging thing makes me really happy :).


Now, back 2010. My heart is still guarded up, all day everyday. I'm waiting, and because I also have a great feeling about 2010. :). Make me smile kay? Ya feel me? Haha!


Please excuse my grammar mistakes, when I blog, I really do not go back to see if I had made mistakes.

I haven't been here for so long <3. :).

But I am coming back! :). Do not worry! <3.